Dot Pretty Brainy

“Would You Let Your ′Tweens Wear This?”
Think How Great Their Lives Could Be

After we graduated from high school, my best friend, Steve, gave me a poster that read, “Limits exist only in your mind.” In my 40s I finally know the practical application of these words, but, at 18, I was too young, dumb and romantic to see the cause and effect at the heart of the quote, never mind the ways I was limiting myself. But, as for me in the 1970s, among the greatest lacks ′tween and teen girls have to cope with right now is not knowing how to critically think.

But hang with me. This blog is about to heat up.

In a “moms-like-me” post from Chicago (http://chicago.momslikeme.com/), a mom posted an image of six girls’ printed Ts from Hollister and asked, “Would you let your ′tweens wear this?”

Pictured left to right, here is what the shirts say:

“Girls just wanna have sun.”

“Legal-ISH.”

“What tan lines?”

“Save a wave. Ride a surfer.”

“I ♥ the woody.”

“The twins are quite a handful.”

Six moms responded to the post. The common feeling generated is that the messages are acceptable if worn by a girl 18 or older but “disgusting” for anyone younger. But one mom writes, “i honestly don’t see any problem with these shirts.”

Another mom comments, “I also don’t see anything wrong with the woody one either because that is a car but I can see other ppl taking that as another meaning.”

No kidding, Mom.

Hollister was banking on you saying that. They hoped you would soft-pedal the meaning to spend money on their shirt.

And while your daughter is wearing the shirt, how many men and boys who read the message plastered across the “twins” will be thinking “car” or “surfboard”?

The only message among the six that is not sexual is “Girls just wanna have sun.”

To the mom who interpreted “Legal-ISH” to mean her daughter could be thought to be doing something illegal, you’ve missed the innuendo big time (ask your daughter’s father what it means).

Put this T-shirt line in context and consider the viewpoint from which it was written: the teen mind of a boy with testosterone poisoning

Granted, girls of all ages talk trash with the girls. But it wasn’t the mind of a teen or ′tween girl who came up with these. Teen and ′tween girls may genuinely think the lines funny and the shirts “cute” because of color, styling, font, fabric, and so on. But a girl with the insight to understand the implications of “I ♥ the woody” across her chest, despite what all her friends are wearing, likely would not wear the shirt.

And that’s the point: what teen or ′tween girl has the depth and scope of experience to see that what she wears can make or break who she becomes in the world?

In general we do not help our children learn the significance of how they are seen by others. For example, how will teachers who see your daughter in a Hollister printed T perceive her academic capabilities? How will her being sized up by others who see her in “Ride a surfer” affect her getting a decent summer job? Placement in AP English? A scholarship?

Don’t think it won’t hurt her. Much more subtle messages have been interpreted by decision-makers to girls’ detriment in school and out. Everyone who is reading this blog has been positively or negatively judged for something she or he said or did or wore.

It’s about your daughter’s credibility beyond the sex label she’s wearing because of a T-shirt. And, more deeply, it’s about her self-image and –respect because how others react to her affects how she sees herself. If your daughter wears a sex message printed large enough to be seen across a street, guess what comes back on her. As much as anything, girls care about how they are perceived by the world around them. It’s why, growing up, for example, we spend hours in the bathroom in front of the mirror and go to the restroom in groups.

The critical thinking is up to parents

I hope there are still 14-year-old girls who don’t understand the sexual innuendo swarming around them. But, as the ones making a majority of the purchasing decisions in American households, including buying clothes for their teen and ′tween daughters, moms do need the insight. And I’m not just referring to getting the sex joke. Help your daughter learn the effect of how she shows up in the world. In grad school I knew a 20-something college junior who undercut her credibility with professors by wearing cleavage-baring tops and carrying a key chain that said, “What I don’t have upstairs I make up for with great t _ _ _.” Her personal presentation should not have negatively affected her grades. But it did. (I don’t know of situations in which it worked to her advantage.)

In a National Public Radio interview Friday, Feb. 12, Willie Mays, reflecting on Jackie Robinson criticizing him for not stepping outside of baseball to fight for civil rights, said, “I went to the White House as a man, not a Black man.” The rules that judge people on appearance are old, mean, and here today. In response, let’s help teen and ′tween girls learn how to play the game of life to their great advantage. Mays said, in effect, “I’m a man like any other man.” His attitude helped him live beyond limiting beliefs. And girls can learn to embody the attitude, “I’m as credible and capable and successful as anyone.”

And of course they can be.

So here’s a starting point:

• Ask your daughter questions that will help her see the cause and effect of what she does.
• Ask her what she wants to gain.
• And ask her what she wants to avoid.*
• Be the parent.
• Love her for who she is.

And do your best to make good things happen.

*Thank you to Debra Benton for reminding me of the key questions, “What do you want to achieve? What do you want to avoid?” Benton’s most recent book is CEO Material.